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With Allan Crow

(Saturday, stv, 8.00 p.m.)

A competition that is now beyond parody is back - brace yourself for all the hype and nonsense as Cowell’s juggernaut once again stomps across our screens right up until Christmas.

The show where everything must be louder than everything else - from the yelling announcer to the ridiculous judges’ bickering - will dominate the media, create controversy out of nothing, squeeze every ounce of snot from its tear-jerking back-stories, and grind all other shows into dust.

Sharon Osbourne returns to the judging panel, but wee Louis is still hanging in there for one more series of inane waffling.

One day this show will run out of steam and we will look back on it as all froth, zero substance.

Through The Keyhole

(Saturday, stv, 9.20 p.m.)

Clearly going for the big Saturday night ratings win, ITV have blown the dust off ‘Keyhole’ and handed it over to Keith Lemon. I’m guessing Sir David Frost won’t be losing too much sleep...

Lemon is comedy marmite - and I really, really struggle to see his charm.

There’s only so much of his gobby comedy I can take before flicking over, so I shall leave you in his company while I go and cut my toenails.

Stepping Out

(Saturday, stv, 6.30 p.m.)

The Beeb gave us ‘Strictly’ and ITV clearly want a slice of that ballroom glitz.

Davina McCall hosts as six celebrities and their real-life partners learn a dance at home and then perform in the studio.

And, this being ITV, the cast list rather picks itself - simply open the drawer marked ‘usual suspects’ and pick the first six you can find, and so we get Denise Welsh, Brian McFaddan and Lawrence Lleweyen-Bowen showing us how to cha cha cha.

The Man Who Ate Himself To Death

(Thursday, Channel5, 10.00p.m.)

Channel5 launches a new ‘supersize’ series of documentaries with a look at a bloke who tipped the scales at 65 stones.

It’s a grim story and, as the title suggests, there ain’t no happy ending for Ricky Naputi who died aged just 39.

What Remains

(Sunday, BBC1, 9.00 p.m.)

David Threlfall in his first outing since bowing out as the magnificient Frank Gallagher in ‘Shameless.’

This new Sunday night drama is well worth catching as he plays a cop one day from retirement called to investigate a body which has been left to rot in a flat for many years.

There is no immediate evidence of a crime, but slowly the secrets of the house start to emerge, and we get a first-class whodunnit.

Celebrity Big Brother

(Nightly, Channel5, 9.00 p.m.)

Hands up if you recognised the ‘celebs’ who went into the house last week? Hmm, three ... no four of you.

My ‘so who on earth is he/she?’ quota reached 50 per cent as Channel5 by-passed the notion of celebrity and simply imported the ghastly characters from other reality shows. The show-offs’ show-offs ...

And in re-uniting the Battersbys from Corrie it seemed to confuse real life with soap characters, so goodness knows what sort of wreckage - sorry, footage - will emerge from the CBB hoose.

I suspect the novelty will wear off very quickly now we’ve watched ‘em pout and parade their way along the catwalk into the house. Friday night remains eviction night, and for the true die hards the terrible Rylan Clark hosts the post-CBB chat show in front of a shrieking crowd...