November weather: I’ve got you sussed

editorial image

You will have read Ralph rue the descent of the crunchy autumn leaves and, for me, the next delight of the weather wonder wheel is the donning of a hat, scarf, gloves and fur-lined waterproof boots, right? Wrong. This year, November has scuppered us.

The first frost kept at bay by cosy warmers is one of the best things a Scottish winter has to offer. Aside, of course, from wood fires and ungritted pavements. Rose-tinged memories come to mind of crackling sparklers and clear fresh air heralding the cusp of the chilly season.

Not one to deter myself from a path well travelled, the dark mornings signalled time for a wardrobe switch around – shorts to the back, woolies to the front.

That was my first wrong move. The gloomy dark, Victorian mists swirling the fields around Fife and a ‘v’ in the month fooled me. Fooled me into piling on the layers and setting off feeling smug at my elemental preparation.

I was not one third of the way to Haymarket when the flush of overheating was almost unbearable. Unable to stop to remove a layer, I powered on, at a speed predetermined to allow me the luxury to reach my destination with five minutes to spare. I arrived at the ticket desk. Two cheery morning ScotRail employees greeted me, both smiling one said: “Has it started raining again?” I shook my head. “In a rush, were you?” his colleague laughed. I laughed too. More from embarrassment than the hilarity of it. I couldn’t stand it any longer and ‘glowing’ profusely, not from rain, had begun to peel off the layers. No matter where I go or what I am doing lately, I am always over-warm.

For example, bent almost double, brunch-bound on Saturday with friends in tow, marching headfirst into the driving rain, we arrived wet but into the warm embrace of a traditional pub destined to be warmed further by warm things.

This November is shaping up to be one of the hottest in a wee while, still pushing the mercury into the environs of 13-19 degrees.

I’m ignoring it. Stubbornly putting my heating on, coaxing the cold from its hidden depths. I admit this all sounds like a pathetic reason to complain about something un-complain-able but, honestly, what is one to weeeaarrr? Boots are too hot, pumps are too wet; tops are too flimsy, jumpers are too warm; jackets need to be waterproof but not warm and umbrellas are a real stretch of desperation, not fashionistically but windily; hats work but are invariably too hot, sunglasses seem ridiculous but drive at your peril without them. A recent road traffic radio broadcast actually stated the reason for a three-mile tailback on the M8 was ‘a low sun’. The London-based news broadcasters giggled at the quaintness of our traffic plight, but, honestly, the low flying sun is a real hazard.

So here it is, my ultimate new November fashion, female style – sorry chaps, but I have enough to worry about without having to consider your wardrobe as well – wellies, bare legs, skirt, work blousy thing, jumper in the handbag (just in case), cagoule, umbrella-hat (if you’re not sure, Google it), sunglasses. Vogue eat your heart out.