On The Telly - with Allan Crow

editorial image

The Apprentice

(Wednesday, BBC1, 9.00 p.m.)

It took me a while to get into The Apprentice - but now I’m hooked.

I have high hopes this new series again throws up more contestants we can laugh at, rather than with.

Once more the voice over will tell us that these 16 wannabes are the ‘‘the best business brains in the land’’ and, once more, we’ll snort with derision at that claim as they fall out, backstab each other and fail at tasks which a bunch of P6 kids could probably pull off in their lunch break.

On offer is the chance to be the business partner of ole’ grumpy chops himself, Lord Shoogly.

He’s put them into two teams - Team Useless and Team Gormless. Sorry, that should read ‘Team Phoenix’ and ‘Team Sterling.’

And don’t forget to flick over to Beeb2 after the show for Dara O’Braian’s ‘You’re Fired’ show for more gentle mocking of the business gurus.

Britain’s Got Talent

(Saturday, stv, 8.00 p.m.) It seems like just a few weeks ago we crowned the last BGT winner - er, was it JLS or those kids who made dance exciting? I forget...

But the Cowell-machine rumbles back with new judges Alesha Dixon and David Walliams on board to sort the no-hopers from the true novelty acts.

Don’t Stop Me Now

(Sunday, Sky1, 8.00 p.m.)

Alas, there’s no escape from shows offering instant stardom to people who wouldn’t find the ‘x’ factor if it fell out of a packet of Coco Pops and landed in their cereal bowl.

In this new show, the show-offs are put into three categories - singers, comics and variety (i.e. anything that doesn’t fit into the first two categories) - and they must keep the audience entertained for 100 seconds.

Armed with voting pads, if said audience gives the thumbs down, the acts are ejected via trap doors, horizontal bungees and exploding stages, so there is the potential for injury as well as hurt pride.

Given this exciting new twist - imagine the pain we could have inflicted on Frankie Cocozza! - I may watch.

Sport Relief 2012

(Friday, BBC1, 7.30 p.m. / 10.35 p.m.)

John Bishop’s Sport Relief Hell

(Friday, BBC1, 9.00 p.m.) You know the drill - it’s the regular mash-up between sport and Comic Relief and the aim is to raise millions.

Some celebs undertake extreme fundraisers, others just turn up and urge us to pledge, while the sketches help to fill air time.

It’s on until 1,30 a.m. to make yourself comfy... and the least you can do us pledge a few bucks if only to say ‘‘well done fella’’ to Mr Bishop who cycled, ran and rowed 290 miles from Paris to London.

And he had to contend with Davina McCall en route ...

Classic Albums

(Friday BBC4, 9.00 p.m.) Away from Sport Relief, treat yourself to an appraisal of Peter Gabriel’s 1986 album, ‘So.’

Yup, the one with ‘Sledgehammer’ on it.

Hit The Road Jack

(Tuesday, Channel4, 10.00 p.m.) Comic Jack Whitehall travels around the UK to find out what makes us tick.