Speaking Personally: Harry Porter is hot (and cold) under the collar

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Well, we’ve been battered by the gales and we know the snow is coming...

It’s time to stock up the cupboards with longlife milk, triple lag the pipes, fit winter tyres, strap spikes to our shoes, bung a snow shovel into the boot of the car, dig out the long johns and make sure we carry one of yon tin foil blankets at all times.

Hmm. Only three or so months of this ahead of us, then we can thaw out in our stormy spring and summer rain.

Of course, we shouldn’t grumble. It’s maybe climate change but we’ve got it easy compared to others.

That’s a fact. If you subscribe to the climate change theory then those tsunamis, flash floods, earthquakes, horrendous droughts has nature gnawing at the throat of an unprepared and fragile mankind.

Of course, there’s the animal kingdom as well.

What about all those poor wee psychopathic polar bears? All floating away on totty bits of ice, like extras from a Fox’s glacier mint advert.

But, at the risk of being irreverent, is it all bad?

Logic says it can’t be.

Climate change has whacked us big time.

Now my former physics teacher at Buckhaven High would be mightily impressed at me citing Newton. He needn’t be.

I’m actually quoting Google but... ”The third of Newton’s laws of motion of classical mechanics states that forces always occur in pairs. Every action is accompanied by a reaction of equal magnitude but opposite direction.”

So...

If climate change is bad in one place then doesn’t that mean it has to be good somewhere else?

Isn’t it simply impossible that everyone’s weather in the world has just got worse?

Somebody, somewhere has to be getting better weather but no scientists, journalists, broadcasters or travel agents are telling me where that place is.

Somewhere, someone is opening the curtains and saying: “You know, it’s not as bad as it used to be...”

Or, perhaps: “Jings our leccy bill is awfi wee this month.”

What bothers me is that it could have been us.

Our weather wasn’t bad in a sodden, storm-lashed, snow-covered way, with brass monkeys on every corner begging for a soldering iron.

Or in a parched-terrain way where we were eating our pizzas straight from the freezer like giant lollies.

No, we were okay, well okayish, the weather just needed nudged a couple of notches in the right direction. Instead we’ve gone the other way, fairly dreich in the ‘dry’ season and pretty woeful in winter.

So where should we head? Well, I haven’t heard much about Orkney at all recently so I suspect Orcadians are keeping the good weather a secret. If Google Earth shows any trees growing there in what was a windswept land, then that’s proof enough for me and my suitcase.

Time to head across the Pentland Firth in search of a moderate climate – and do a bit of polar bear spotting as they head south, perched on their slowly melting ice cubes.

*Harry Porter writes for the East Fife Mail