Spoof alternative to Forth Road Bridge diversions

Allan Miller's alternative travel plan map.

Allan Miller's alternative travel plan map.

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Unless you’ve been housebound with a blanket-ban on all communications, you will know a structural fault has forced the closure of the Forth Road Bridge, causing a nightmare for commuters, shoppers, visitors and businesses alike.

While Transport Scotland and Fife and Lothian Councils are doing their best to keep traffic flowing over the Forth, comedian and writer Allan Miller has turned to humour to deal with the frustrations and come up with an alternative travel plan, complete with a handy map:

“This diversion for cars and light vehicles travelling between Fife and Edinburgh has been prepared to minimise the disruption to people and businesses across the east of Scotland during the closure of the Forth Road Bridge.

“From the M90 south take the A823 before Rosyth and follow Queensferry Road to Dunfermline town centre. Follow diversion signs to the A907 and take the B913 at Gowkhall to the B914 at Saline and take Bridge Street north. Then take the B906 to the B907 to the B654 to B7077, and follow the signs to the C3P0 and on to the R2D2.

“About three miles further on you’ll come to a road block, ignore this and carry on. When you reach a white farmhouse on your left you should retrace the road back for 400 yards then take the third road on the left, then the second road on right, followed by the fourteenth road on left. Carry along the single track road until you reach the A91 and follow this to the Park and Ride scheme at Kinross.

“Buses are running every three hours between here and the Park and Ride scheme running between Cupar and Methil from where you should be able to hitch a lift to Anstruther.

“Proceed to the Smugglers Inn and ask for Big Alex. He will give you a letter of introduction to a the captain of the paddle-steamer the PS Skibladner heading for Trondheim in Norway on the morning tide. During the night you must get him inebriated and during a cards persuade him to drop you off in St Andrews, from where a Park and Pogostick scheme is in operation back to Cupar.

“Make your way to the car park at the back of Argos where you’ll be asked a riddle by a mysterious old crone. Answer correctly and you will be allowed to take the A914 south to Kettlebridge (answer incorrectly and you’ll be banished to the treacherous B940 east to Pitscottie).

“From here you should dismount and take the ancient right-of-way across the Lomond Hills to Ballingry. Take care not to stray from the path for the moors are no place for inexperienced commuters.

“In Ballingry you will need to have your papers forged and convince the border guards that you are but a simple onion seller on your way to market in Comrie.

”Here a Park and Glider scheme is in operation to take commuters to the a Park and Kayak scheme running between Culross and Grangemouth, from where there is a Park and Walk scheme in operation between here and Edinburgh.”