Allan Crow on this week’s television highlights
(Sunday, BBC1, 8.00 p.m.) Brace yourself for a smorgasboard of luviness as actors and celebs slap each other on the back, trade air kisses, and exclaim dahling you were simply wonderful., mwah, mwah, mwah.
Dress code is black tie so nae Sunday scruffies please as you tune in for this marathon gong show which celebrates the best on stage and screen in the UK.
The usual suspects will be there, tears will be shed, and ovations shall be of the standing variety as we build to the biggies of best of the best and, of course, the lifetime fellowship award.
I do hope they have a wild card invite to someone like Johnny Vegas after his spectacular and superbly funny hijacking of the comedy awards last year.
The Island With Bear Grylls
(Monday, Channel4, 9.00 p.m.) Must confess, I find all this jungle living and surviving off the land a tad ‘meh’ - but clearly the man called Bear has a market.
This new series sees him take 13 British blokes off to an uninhabited island in the Pacific to see how they cope without Sky Sports, Domino Pizza, and 18 holes on a Saturday.
They have to find their own food, create a camp and so on - and keep an eye out for those crocodiles which can give you a nasty wee nip!
FA Cup Final
(Saturday, stv, 4.00 p.m.) Thought the fitba season was over? Think again...
The FA Cup may have lost a bit of its glamour, but it remains a great sporting tradition and that alone will pull in an audience even if the prospect of Arsenal v Hull doesn’t.
It really should be on the BBC of course - Ed Stewart and the community singing of ‘Abide With Me’ et al - but alas, football sold its soul many, many years ago.
Use the advert breaks to restock your glass or put the kettle on, and you won’t miss a thing ...
The Food Inspectors
(Thursday, BBC1, 8.00 p.m.)
Another fly-on-the-wall series which has ‘daytime telly’ stamped through it - and yet it is given a prime time slot.
Gabby Roslin, Matt Allwright and John Collins follow the work of environmental health inspectors as they poke behind fridges, dig deep into deep fat fryers and generally find stuff that makes you rather queasy about ever eating out again.
And it’s followed by Masterchef.
Now wouldn’t it be a hoot if the inspectors turned up halfway through the final...
Now THAT’s what I call reality telly!
(Wednesday, BBC1, 8.00 p.m.) The consumer show is back for an umpteenth season exposing dodgy businesses and sorting out consumer chaos.
Anne Robinson is at the helm with the usual team getting their teeth into some meaty stories and holding the bosses to account.
(Monday, Channel5, 8.00 p.m.) A new series which celebrates our most useless DIY chumps around.
Al Murray hosts, and each week showcases the feeble efforts of blokes who shouldn’t ever be let near a toolbox for the rest of their lives.
Each piece comes complete with ‘‘a long suffering partner’’ and there’s a trophy up for grabs for the best/worst DIYer.
Later with Jools Holland
(Friday, BBC2, 11.05 p.m.) The new series has got off a stonking start, and expect nothing other than top drawer stuff once again tonight as the mighty Brian Eno performs live - something he does all too rarely these days.
Also in the studio are Natalie Merchant, formerly of the rather good 10,000 Maniacs, plus Kasabian who are due in Fife in around two weeks time.