On the Telly

Ramsay's Hotel Hell
Ramsay's Hotel Hell

with Allan Crow

(Monday, Channel4, 10.00 p.m.)

Old swearie chops returns with another series of confrontational shouty stuff with hopeless hotel owners and failing B&Bers.

It’s a formula Ramsay has got down to a four-lettered art.

He turns up, cringes at the chaos he finds, gives them a slice of his abrasive charm - i.e. the full hairdryer treatment - goes head to head with at least one disgruntled boss, finds the odd gem among the staff, re-designs their business model, and breezes back out again. If the hotels had saloon bar style doors they’d still be swinging on their hinges as he left town.

And that’s the trouble - we’ve seen it, and, more importantly, heard it all before in full glorious techni-colour, high definition swearing.

Ramsay’s act is wearing thin. The real challenge would be for him to convey his obvious passion and drive without being so appallingly and un-necessarily foul-mouthed.

That would make for quite compelling telly, because, he IS good at what he does. He IS an engaging character - just one who swears as casually as some folk say ‘good morning.’

Big School

(Friday, BBC1, 9.00 p.m.)

A new sitcom with lots of promise as David Walliams stars as timid science teacher set to quit when he becomes smitten by the new French teacher.

It has an all-star cast which should deliver the laughs and entertainment effortlessly.

Stephen Merchant: Hello Ladies

(Saturday, Channel4, 11.,10 p.m.)

The tall lanky one from ‘The Office’ on stage with his critically acclaimed stand-up show.

Merchant sparkles without the irritating Ricky Gervais around, and this is a comedy masterclass on his difficulties in finding love because of his height.

Kirstie’s Fill Your House For Free

(Sunday, Channel4, 7.00 p.m.)

Not just any old home improvement show ... this is Kirstie’s one.

Ms Allsopp has churned out more than a few property-related shows over the years, but after pursuing dream homes, she is now showing us how to make the mst of where we live given we’re all skint.

Ah, another ‘Austerity Britain’ style show - it can only be a matter of time before someone extols the virtues of bunging hand-washing through an old fashioned mangle, and beating carpets while they hang over the washing line, while waiting for the bairns to come home from a hard day sweeping chimneys.

Double Your House for Half The Money

(Tuesday, Channel4, 8.00 p.m.)
But wait! What’s this?

We CAN have the home of our dreams after all !

While Kirstie and her team turn table cloths into curtains, here’s Sarah Beeney - C4’s other queen of property showing us how we can add oodles of value to our existing homes by building up, out and quite probably underground as well.

How Not To Get Old

(Wednesday, Channel4, 9.00 p.m.)
I guess the simple answer is knock a few years off your age and just swear blind you are still only 32 while clinging to your walking stick ...

In truth this is another make-over-y sort of show with hosts Anna Richardson and Louise Redknapp looking at all the expensive treatments on the market.

So ladies, if there is anything you want to know about facials, boob jobs, cosmetic surgery - the usual staples of women’s magazines - then grab the remote and hog the couch. Us baggy-eyed blokes will just watch the Scotland-England game and age even more...