Beware the flapjacks of mass destruction

Gordon Holmes
Gordon Holmes
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First Person - with Gordon Holmes

They have been branded ‘dangerous’ and only square or rectangular cakes will now be available.

First of all, dinner ladies actually bake things at school these days? Wow...

Secondly, I did check the date and it’s not April 1 until next week.

But more pertinently, why are we allowing people making decisions like this to be in charge of our children’s education?

Did the pupil choke on the flapjack? Was he allergic to an ingredient? Did he maybe slip on one lying on the floor?

No, apparently the offending article was thrown across the canteen, accidentally hitting the lad in the face, resulting in a ‘sore eye’ - anyone else spot the real issue here..?

Perhaps if the pupils were encouraged not to throw things about then such ‘accidents’ wouldn’t happen - he should be grateful it wasn’t a lump of the mashed potato I remember from my own school dinner days, which would have taken the head off an elephant if chucked with the right velocity...

It could have been anything that hit this boy in the face and it probably would have stung, so to come out and claim that three corners on food are more dangerous than four does nothing but leave the school open to ridicule - and it has been.


The problem is when you start down such a slippery slope it’s not always easy to stop, so now we await to see which menu item will be next to claim a victim at the school, because a precedent has been set and I can just see pupils falling like flies in a concerted campaign to have the least liked dishes removed.

Back in the dark ages when I was at school, meals, in general, should have come with a health warning as most had the consistency of grout, the taste of week-old socks and were about as appetising as the prospect of a new series of (add any reality, talent or cookery show in here...).

We must have just not known any better and accepted what we got, any voice of dissent that the ‘peas were hard’, or the gravy, ‘cold and lumpy’, instantly dismissed by a sorrowful look and the classic ‘there are starving children in Africa who would be glad of that food you know’.

I found to my cost once that replying, ‘well send this to them then and get us some decent food’ didn’t help the cause...


Of course, these days, children are encourage to eat healthy and the choice of fare at school meals is much wider and, well, edible.

Which doesn’t explain why the bakers and fast food places are still full of school pupils during lunch hour... maybe it’s safer away from the dangerous flapjack threat.

My other gripe about this incident is with the ‘victim’ himself. I realise I am probably being unfair as I obviously don’t know the young man or what he is like but can I just say to him - ‘for goodness sake grow a pair son...’.

A wee biscuit thing hits you in the face and it’s off to first aid and then sent home for the afternoon?

Back in the day, if at least one kid didn’t come back to class after lunch with something bleeding and/or clothing ripped, then it hadn’t been a worthwhile break.

I would make ‘British Bulldogs’ a compulsory class in our schools, and everyone should experience at least once the sensation of having a hard tennis ball booted into your nose from close range during a game of ‘14-a-side-kick-anything-that-moves-football’. After that, pain is relative...

I remember during my holiday camp waiter days, a food fight breaking out in the dining room, with holidaymakers and staff alike joining in. Mad, but great fun and no casualties, just a lot of mess to clean up.

And the weapon of choice? A rich, sticky dessert called ‘Death By Chocolate’.

Wonder if that’s on the menu in Essex?