Column: Why the Christmas movie channel is so addictive

Forget Love Actually, It’s A Wonderful Life and Miracle On 34th Street, the true Christmas movies are to be found on Channel5 every weekend.

Thursday, 12th December 2019, 9:58 am

They’re the films that, a decade or two ago, went “straight to DVD” which was the industry’s way of stamping the word ‘dross!’ on the front of the box.

In this digital era, they now get dumped on Channel5 or, even worse, the Sony Christmas Movie channel which screens festive films 24/7 until tinsel starts to bleed from your eyeballs, and the cry of “Ho! Ho! Ho!” sends you screaming to the hills.

I can waste a whole Saturday watching the movies despite the fact they are all pretty much the same.

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For a start, they seem to be shot in mid-summer and everyone saunters around in t-shirts.

The blue skies are so bright ands the sun so dazzling, more than once I’vae had to reach for my shades!

Then there’s the snow.

Not so much deep, crisp and even, more unpacked from a cardboard box and laid pleasingly along the top of hedges and bushes, leaving roads and pavements rermarkably untouched.

The actors all fit neatly into the category of “have we no’ seen him somewhere before?” but whose names remain a complete mystery.

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And then there are the films which, say to safe, will never trouble the judges in charge of the Oscars.

They all follow the same plot.

The main character is always either unlucky in love or bereaved, and they have a secret admirer they know nowt about – at least not until they step in and save the day, usually when they take a tumble while skating, because the golden rule of every bad Christmas movie is you must visit an outdoor ice rink.

The plots from it’s A Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol are shamelessly ripped off time after time, and, once they are done with that, they home in on Miracle On 34th Street and find new ways of finding out if Santa is real. I did particularly enjoy the film where Santa’s mental health became the main focal point.

And if in doubt, chuck in some catastrophe which has Santa incapacitated, and the town’s resident Ba Humbug has to take over (and, lo, he discovers the true meaning of Christmas!)

Anyone with pots of money gets the same life lesson – usually by a personal shopper who just happens to fall for them – while undertaking long journeys on snowy roads will always lead to an accident and memory loss, and you end up falling for your Good Samaritan just as the hubby you’d forgotten all about turns up.

It’s all complete tosh – glorious, brain-soothing nonsense which beats doing anything productive such as actually planning Christmas itself.

I commend you to disappear down the rabbit hole that is Sony Christmas Movies. Give it an afternoon and you’ll be in your Santa onesie, covered in crumbs from scoffing an entire packet of Rich tea buscuits.

And the best movie of all? That’s gottas be A Christmas Movie Christmas in which a woman’s dream to be in such a film comes true! Ah, whose says Santa isn’t real ...!