Four in a bed, and the little one said … turn over

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My name is Allan and I am addicted to watching Four In A Bed.

There, I’ve said it - and it feels better already.

The show is the crack cocaine of channel surfing on a miserable Saturday.

I’ve no idea how many TV stations I have, but somewhere between ITV2 and QVC lies a strange hinterland of viewing which can hold you hostage for hours at a time.

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(Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)(Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)
(Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)

You know the channels - they are the ones which show back to episodes of My600lb Life, Storage Hunters or the Big Bang Theory on a continuous loop.

To be sucked deep into those schedules is probably the same as being waterboarded.

Deep in that dark recess of broadcasting lurks Four In A Bed.

Back in the day it would have been a piece of fluff on daytime telly - sandwiched somewhere between Bargain Hunt and Coach Trip.

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Would you put your B&B into the show? (Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)Would you put your B&B into the show? (Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)
Would you put your B&B into the show? (Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)

But its format is perfect for the binge-watching generation who don’t have the patience to wait a day, let alone a week, for the next episode.

Four In The Bed will, if you aren’t careful, suck two hours or more from your life which can never be reclaimed.

Regular viewers will probably have their own scorecards which they can tick off as the contestants go nit-picking around someone else’s B&B.

Dust on the telly - that’s your starter for ten

A hair on the bed - that’s a gimme, but if it’s curly make sure you seal it in a freezer bag and present it at the breakfast table as evidence, because no B&B owner will ever accept such things exist in their establishment.

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A yellow stain on the mattress - eww, gross. Award yourself 20 points.

But it’s in the bathroom that you can really rack up the points as they stick their fingers in the shower drainer to see how minging it is, and rejoice if they find wee stains - or worse! - round the pan. Boak!

The joy they take in finding fault sits at the heart of this show.

Like Come Dine With Me, the producers want a wee bit of conflict otherwise it’s just four couples going round saying things like “ooh that’s a lovely view” and “where did you get that vase?”

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So you factor in a level of passive-aggressiveness which can get spiky - particularly when you film one couple saying they wouldn’t dream of going on a holiday in a yurt, and the next competitor just happens to be pictured outside their funky tent complete with a compost heap for a loo.

Set ‘em up, watch ‘em snark - and that’s even before they get to paying what they thought their stay was worth.

Anyone accused of playing games immediately goes on the defensive, while everyone does that oh-so British thing of sitting in awkward silence, until someone bursts into tears.And all this for a naff wee plaque.

A show celebrating the hospitality trade - given all it has gone through - would surely be far more helpful than this pointless, points scoring competition.

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I do hope it is worth it for the folk who take part only to find themselves stuck on an endless loop of repeats.

On Channel 43, no-one can hear you scream.

Our columns are a platform for writers to express their opinions. They do not necessarily represent the views of The Fife Free Press.