It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

Who will you vote for?
Who will you vote for?

I’ve been busy meeting and greeting (mostly greeting) this week as the campaign for the You-Know-What on May 7 hots up.

All six candidates in north east Fife took time out of their busy schedules last week to visit Herald Towers, where we positioned them in a sunny spot in front of a video camera.

Since I couldn’t possibly be trusted with such a technological piece of apparatus, having only recently got to grips with a Box Brownie, we enlisted the expertise of Gordon, our digital editor.

He’s done a grand job of filming the would-be Parliamentarians, who were given an equal length of time to make their case.

You can see the results on our website,, and we hope it’ll help you decide how to cast your vote, if you haven’t done so already.

I must confess to feeling a little on edge when two of the candidates turned up at the same time, fearing an outbreak of fisticuffs, but everyone behaved impeccably.

And I was most impressed by their performances, which for the most part were flawless.

The only time a second take proved necessary was when a passing ned shouted an offensive word at one of the candidates and he had to start again.

Unfortunately, however, Gordon put his foot down at the notion of my trying to persuade voters to support my Cheese and Wine Party, which has gathered quite a bit of support since I announced my manifesto last week - although one correspondent did suggest adding ‘stop writing silly columns’ to my list of promises.

I thought this was a little rude, and of course being rude to others is one of the issues I intend to address, along with putting apostrophes in the wrong place.

Should I be elected and a hung parliament ensues, it would be my intention to form a coalition with the Tupperware Party, as I believe we could work together very effectively and the plastic containers would come in handy for storing the cheese.

I’ve even chosen my cabinet.

It’s quite a sizeable one, given the quantities of wine involved - and in a rare flash of inspired thinking, I thought that with a little judicious positioning in the sun, it could serve as my shadow cabinet too. Except the cheese might go off.

Well it’s back on the campaign trail before I start greeting again.