It’s less than three weeks to go before the General Election and I for one am flummoxed.
I can’t remember an election in which the outcome was so unpredictable and the various political permutations so baffling.
I know who I don’t want in power - the bloke offering sausage rolls as bribes, for example, or the candidate who called a fellow Asian a ‘coconut’ - but where I’ll put my cross on polling day has yet to be mathematically deduced.
That’s why I’ve decided to start my own party.
It’s called the Cheese and Wine Party and I’d like to announce some key policies from my manifesto.
First, it’s my intention to abolish all road rage.
I would do this by introducing legislation compelling everyone to drive a pastel-coloured Fiat 500.
This is based on what I call the Bonnet Formula, which has shown conclusively that behind the wheel of a little car in baby pink or duck egg blue, it’s impossible to look hard or cut up your fellow road users. I know this from personal experience, as I drive a Fiat 500 in a rather lovely shade of mint green and I hardly ever feel cross.
Next on my policy agenda is a commitment to introducing full physical autonomy.
This is designed to ensure unrestricted movement for all citizens through a range of measures, including heavy penalties for retailers whose trolleys have wonky wheels and banning 11-13 year-olds from shopping centres on Saturday afternoons.
Yes, I have considered that this could leave a £7.9 million black hole, but this would be filled with compost and planted with perennials.
In fact, money would be banned under a Cheese and Wine government, and instead I’d introduce a bartering system. Skill-sharing is definitely the way forward and I believe will lead to a much fairer, happier society.
So, for example, a plumber comes and spends three hours in the pouring rain trying to find my burst underground pipe. In return, I take his photo and write him a press release.
I wish I’d thought of starting the Cheese and Wine Party prior to the leaders’ debate. I could have given them a good run for their plumbing.
However it’s onwards and upwards and I hope to have doubled my membership by the next election. So that will be two of us.
A glass of red and some cheesy nibbles before we hit the campaign trail, anyone?