Why I’m happy down at the bottom of Lonely Street ...

Sadly, the world of dating wasn't my lobster
Sadly, the world of dating wasn't my lobster

It’s midnight on December 31 and once again I’m wishing myself a happy new year.

I’m not bothered by the fact that I’m on my own but it seems everyone else is, so by way of appeasement I decided that this would be the year I’d join a dating site. Apparently it’s perfectly acceptable these days.

Now I’m no spring chicken but I like to think I’m reasonably well-preserved, and embarked on my new adventure with gusto, composing a jolly profile and posting the most flattering photos I could find.

I didn’t have to wait long until a message popped up in my inbox.

It was Billy Bunter’s older brother, wearing an expression that suggested his cat had just died.

His name was Jim – or jIM as he wrote – and he described himself as ‘carrying a few extra pounds’, which was clearly evidenced by the significant roll of blubber peeping out from beneath his shirt. Jim liked sIXTIES mUSIC, gARDENING and gOING oUT fOR dRIVES, and having been widowed (which presumably accounted for the miserable fizzog) really wanted to mEET a nICE lADY to accompany him.

Well I liked sIXTIES music too – in the Sixties. And he clearly hadn’t mastered the basics of using a keyboard. So for those reasons, I’m out.

Just as well, as it turned out, as scrolling down his mind-numbingly dull profile, I noted that I was too old anyway. He was looking for someone aged between 45 and 55. Good luck with that, jIM.

Ah well, onwards and upwards.

Next was Ken, who wore an infuriatingly smug expression and clearly thought he was the bees’ knees on account of having an apartment in Tenerife.

His photo showed him perched on a wall outside the aforementioned property, sporting neatly creased ‘slacks’ and a stripey polo shirt, looking for all the world like he’d just raided his local Marks and Sparks.

Perhaps predictably, Ken liked golfing as well as the obligatory going for drives and Sixties music, and was also a big fan of Elvis.

I couldn’t stand Elvis the first time around so I certainly wasn’t going to join his fan club now – and anyway, what was it with all this ancient music? Was everyone on this site stuck in a time warp?

After a bit, the profiles began to start blending into one, each depressingly similar .

Which one was the baldy bloke with the GSOH again? Oh yes, that was Davie, a big Elvis fan and carrying a few extra pounds.

Or was it the other Ken (obviously a popular name circa 1950)? Oh no, he was the one with the combover who liked Sixties music and walking his dog.

There was a tiny ray of hope when I happened across Eric (balding, carrying a few extra pounds) as he at least had ventured as far as the Seventies in his musical tastes, expressing a liking for Meatloaf. However, Eric couldn’t spell to save himself, and up with that I could not put.

Now I know loads of people who’ve met their partners online, but it seems that as far as us oldies are concerned the pool is shrinking.

I gave it a go and failed miserably.

Can everyone just leave me alone now please?