Christmas 2023: A wish list to Santa for gifts to fix Kirkcaldy ...

Granted, the scale is a slightly bigger than the old double O gauge, but you are a man of means and seem to have a decent track record of delivering, so, here goes …

Can I have a new High Street please? The old one is a bit bashed and tired, and it’s far too big. Something more compact, with some green space, retail spaces that are fit for purpose, and maybe demolish some of those ghastly, big empty buildings to create a parking zone for blue badge holders and finally get cars away from people in the pedestrian zone

Could I have a fleet of bulldozers to send to Fife Council to knock down every single eyesore? They can start with the two multi-storey car parks. Oh, and on the subject of the cooncil, how about a new bit of road for the front of Volunteers Green. Those raised bumps are just hopeless - hit them, at speed and the parcels in your sleigh would go everywhere.

Could you also breathe new life into our brilliant parks? Turn back the clock and treat a new generation to putting and crazy golf, a wee miniature railway, tennis courts and trampolines; y’know stuff that doesn’t need 4G wifi and gets people out of their houses and into the fresh air. They can’t be that expensive to run, surely?

And once that’s done, how about sprinkling some Santa magic over the old boat shed at the harbour? It’s a prime waterfront site shamefully unused for decades. Forth Ports own it, in case you are looking to check which chimney to drop down. It’d make an amazing grotto. Just saying …

If you have a job lot of cable ties, could you send them to every developer and ask them to sort out the security fences which have all been knocked over on their strips of vacant land? Kirkcaldy must have more toppled security fencing than any other Scottish town.

This Christmas I’d really, really like Fife to wake up and finally tap into the Edinburgh Festival fringe. North Berwick has its brilliant Fringe By The Sea in a park at the end of its High Street, and brings musicians, bands, comedians, broadcasters and authors to town every August, while Fife gazes at its bellybutton. We have parks, we have great transport links, we just need a bit of get up and go to make it happen - we’re missing a trick here Santa!

Oh, and on the subject of gigs and entertainment, a giant ‘Kirkcaldy Kings’ neon sign for the front of the building please to put it firmly on the map - we have to shout about this amazing place - and Tae Sup Wi A Fifer back at the Adam Smith please!

Hope that isn’t too much to ask. Mince pies and carrots on the doorstep as always, but do clean up after Rudolph this year please. Nothing worse than slipping in your baffies as you go out to the bins on Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas, Allan, (aged 59)