Why Christmas movies are so addictive they cause an outbreak of tinsel-itis
We need to talk about the C-word.
Christmas is coming, the shops have blown the stoor of last year’s unsold festive stock, and DJs at every radio station are just itching for the go-ahead to break out their ‘Now That’s What I Call Christmas Tunes’ CD and subject us to the same half dozen songs on a loop until even Santa tells them to pack it in.
Supermarkets have stacked Christmas stock next to their Hallowe’en displays. If they thought they could get away with it they’d probably throw in some shelves filled with Easter Eggs next to a stuffed teddy bear with a heart shaped message for Valentine’s Day.
As if all that isn’t depressing enough, brace yourself - the Christmas movie channels are up and running!
Channel5 is already suffering from an outbreak of tinsel-itis which seems to afflict its schedules at weekends. I’m pleased to report this year’s movies are every bit as rubbish as expected.
Christmas film are a big industry. They are shot quickly, on limited budgets and, to be fair, give actors and crews, a decent opportunity of work.
But they are all the same. They are also share perfect background viewing while you pooter round the house. If you settle down with a cuppa, you are in real risk of losing an entire afternoon of binge watching.
Sunday’s offering was typical. A Mistletoe Match For Christmas told the story of a journalist going undercover to attend a dating meet-up at Christmas where she just happens to meet a widower.
You can guess the outcome without actually watching the movie - they find a spark, a misunderstanding de-rails their romance, friends intervene, and they all live happily ever after.
Leaving aside the fact absolutely no-one cares about journalists as leading characters, A Mistletoe Match For Christmas followed the tinsel textbook that all festive movies use.
For a start, they seem to be shot in mid-summer and everyone saunters around in t-shirts.
The blue skies are so bright and the sun so dazzling, more than once I’ve had to reach for my shades!
Then there’s the snow. Not so much deep, crisp and even, more unpacked from a cardboard box and laid pleasingly along the top of hedges and bushes, leaving roads and pavements rermarkably untouched.
A snowball fight features snowballs so perfectly shaped they could have been bought in Rejects’ Christmas shop, and every Christmas tree is huge and decorated in exactly the same way.
The films all follow the same plot.
The main character is always either unlucky in love or just bereaved, and they have a secret admirer they know nowt about – at least not until they step in and save the day, usually when they take a tumble while skating, because the golden rule of every bad Christmas movie is you must visit an outdoor ice rink and then visit a cake shop.
The storylines all borrow heavily from it’s A Wonderful Life, A Christmas Carol and Miracle On 34th Street, and feature at least one bah humbug character who refuses to celebrate the magic of Christmas until the very last scene where he has to step in as a substitute for an incapacitated Santa, and discovers his true festive heart.
It’s all complete tosh – glorious, brain-soothing nonsense . I commend you to disappear down the rabbit hole that is a Christmas movie channel. Give it an afternoon and you’ll be signing up for the boxed sets!